INCONGROUS JUXTAPOSITIONS

INCONGROUS JUXTAPOSITIONS

Man is a sentient being, a knowing one, as the philosophers proclaim. This might explain his noticeable dissimilarity with other lesser animals. Rene Descartes was able to convince himself that: “Cogito ergo sum”- I think, therefore I am. Truly, only man knows that he is a man; an ibex, for instance, is painfully deprived of this piece of intelligence.

Despite this self-contained self-consciousness inherent in him, man’s life is still a picturesque mixture of the sublime and the ridiculous. His daily affairs bear an incontrovertible testimony to this assertion. I often wonder at the way he adroitly juxtaposes the germane with the mundane. I find most of these incongruous juxtapositions in his statements, sentences and phrases. My earliest encounter with this peculiar nature of man occurred when I was a very little kid. And it came with the television adverts of one commodity, whose benefit or otherwise has continued to generate a heated debate till today - cigarette.

Yes, cigarettes. And I remember the numerous adverts of them in those days gone by. I can still recall the theme songs of Rothmans, Benson & Hedges, Marlborough, etc. More importantly though, I recall this incongruous statement (or warning) which, as a way of signing off, came at the end of each advert. It goes like this: The Federal Ministry of Health warns that tobacco smoking is dangerous to health. In latter years this statement would descend into a more ridiculous one: The Federal Ministry of Health warns that smokers are liable to die young. This was a hard-hitting message, and in today's society, whether you were watching TV casually as you played a bit of party poker with a butt smoking in the ashtray or you saw it on the web, it was hard not to pay attention.

This article does not make a case for smoking or abstinence from cigarettes, nor does it seek to paint any hazards attached to tobacco smoking; a medical doctor’s opinion in this sphere will do better than mine. I am only curious to know why the above statements should be recorded at the end of every cigarette advert. How can a cigarette be beautifully advertised with haunting theme songs and dazzling graphics, only for there to be a warning against its purchase? That seems to me like hypocrisy. Or is the Health Ministry unsure of the final destination of tobacco smokers? Between the graphic adverts and the warning, which should we choose? Needless to ask; let’s remember that a picture speaks volumes. It is understandable that this warning should go unheeded since it dwarfs in comparison with the adverts themselves. (Think of that mesmerising Lighthouse Family song used for Benson & Hedges. How somniferous!)
If the Ministry truly believes that smokers are most likely to die young, how about canvassing for a moratorium or outright ban of cigarettes or- better still- mounting a separate but effective campaign against smoking? Why allow temptation to come the way of a would-be / an inveterate smoker? He loses his second Eden because of these adverts. And his fall is made heavier by your hypocritical warning, Ministry. You seem to be saying this to young people (it is assumed that the young “draw” more than any other group):“Call my bluff and face the consequences”. It seems as if they are actually calling your bluff. In short, they now smoke like never, as if announcing to the whole world that- smokers are ready to die young.

To think of it, apart from his alleged closest relative- the ape, man’s aptness to conjure up ridiculous situations ranks equal to none. In Africa’s most populous nation, there is this popular slogan, which goes thus: “The police is your friend”. Normally the police force is charged with the protection of the life and properties of the citizens. Times arise too, when a policeman risks his own life for a citizen. (This one, a virtue reality in Nigeria) In any case the police is the lawful protector of the citizen from danger. Perhaps this explains the provenance of that slogan. But can we really say this is true of the Nigerian police today? Let’s be frank. Without fear of mistakes, we can now rank in equal status that slogan with those of the numerous politicians we have seen, heard, and will continue to hear and see. Remember them and their “visions”? – “Housing for all by 2010; Electricity for all by 2020.” (A phrase like “Electricity for none till thy kingdom” will inspire more belief). Are the police not the same people who murder motorists and innocent by-standers because of “accidental discharge”? More often than not this springs from a refusal of the victim to part with some gratification. For this reason, the victim’s way to the grave is made less torturous. One must marvel at the creative spirit of the police in collecting this gratification. In many Nigerian cities, the police now mark the vehicle of any motorist who pays up his road tithe (interpreted here to mean one/tenth of your daily meager earnings). This ingenuity is done with a clinical precision that truly bedazzles the senses.
Since, too, we are not all in any way suffering from a collective amnesia, we must recall here the antics of those policemen who drive bullion vans on our roads. Only certified lunatics behave this way. And God bless the soul of anybody who does not get out of the path of these deranged patients. Many people, again, enter police detention cells and simply disappear to another galaxy. How can you call these folks my friend? Each time a top brass of the police comes up with a feeble explanation of this crass behaviour I am usually not amused. Countless times they tell us that these shameful behaviour are due to the antics of a “few bad eggs”. Even though we are prepared to willingly suspend our disbelief and give them a benefit of the doubt, what, one may ask, have the police authorities done in flushing out these “bad eggs”? Not much, regrettably. So for the moment, ladies and gentlemen, let us know that the police is our - fiend.

There is this other saying that “Nigeria is too rich to be poor and too poor to be rich.” This Nigerian paradox can only rank equally with these false confessions of the insincere lover: “You are the only cockroach in my cupboard”; “The only sugar in my tea”, etc, etc. From experience and hindsight we know how deceptive these poetic love lines have turned out to be. Our ears are by now inflicted with serious pain from hearing that “Nigeria is blessed with abundant human and natural resources.” When would these resources be converted into finished products? To remove all vestiges of risibility in this mantra, shouldn’t our leaders harness these resources? If a healthy environment is created investors, perhaps, would readily invest in most of these unexplored fields. It strikes me with no small amount of conviction that our leaders may be ignorant of the true existence of these resources. Let us pause here a minute and pay tribute to that legendary Northern governor, who, when asked to name a few of Nigeria’s mineral resources, decided to descend into the theatre of the absurd, by genuinely and innocently giving the following answer : “Minerals? Oh, we have plenty of them, like Coke, Fanta, Sprite, Mirinda…”

Let’s turn our attention to the legal sphere. Section 367(1) of the Criminal Procedure Act provides that a condemned criminal shall be hanged by the neck till he be dead. Subsection 2 of that section further provides that in addition, the following phrase should be added: “And may the Lord have mercy on your soul”. The trial judge usually performs this office. What a pity that their Lordships are made to pronounce this obscenity. Here is a convicted felon about to embark on a Journey-Of-No-Return, being offered a prayer of salvation by the same person who has signed his death warrant. If he is to be sentenced, then let that be done alone. Leave off that sentence, please, it smacks of double standards. It is a grim portrayal of a Two-Face (not Idibia, by the way). It is a double jeopardy for the convict. Any way, the fate of this prayer has been decided before hand: it usually goes to rest snugly in that comfortable cache labeled “unanswered prayers”.
It happens at times that the condemned criminal may get reprieve if he is exonerated in the future. Or when a stay of execution is ordered at the eleventh hour after the convict might have sorrowfully gulped down his Last Supper( death row inmates are allowed a last earthly meal) and is waiting for the hangman’s noose, such as happened to the American Troy Davis, alleged to have murdered a policeman, but whose guilt was controverted by seven out of the original nine witnesses for the prosecution, making the American Supreme Court to order for a stay of execution at the last minute when Davis was to be executed by lethal injection, in accordance with Georgian Law. All these are the exceptions to the rule. Apart from them, that statutory prayer of salvation is mere tinkling cymbals and hollow noise. It is another example of man’s love for the incongruous, a characteristic that will most likely never fade till the world itself fades away.

Chitzi Ogbumgbada
Port Harcourt